SCREWGED
by: Ralph E. Ahseln  12/2014

A Story of Redemption at the Marina.

What Charles Dickens WOULD have written, IF he had been a Sailboater...

Part Two....

Clang, clang, clang, clang ! (Geez, that clock is really sick)..

The sound was so awful that Crewge woke up from the scenario that you have just been reading about , and said. "Got to get a new clock one of these days".

He was about to say those famous words "Bah Humbug" again, thinking that the dream he was having must have been caused by a bit of bad Burrito he'd had for lunch, but the cabin filled with an extremely bright light. It was the kind of light one gets from using those "Cheap, Made in China LED lights" which aren't as good as those "Expensive, Made in China LED lights" !

There standing in the puddle of water that had been left over by the last ghost, was a blond lady that was kind of transparent. (like my last girl friend). She was dressed head to toe in a form fitting, multi colored ( Coloured, if you're reading this in Canada), Henri Lloyd foulies. You know, that High Tech stuff that is so expensive, you have to sell your children to pay for them.

"Ready to come about ! Jibe Ho !" (obviously, not a very bright ghost as far as sailing goes). "Hi guy" she breathlessly uttered. "Here we go.. I'm taking you on a trip". " I'm here to show you a good time.. Oh no, wait a minute, sorry, that was for the last guy. My bad.. tee hee ".. She giggled.

"Stand by, Take a turn around the cleat there little lady ! Just where are you taking me? " Crewge barked.

"I'm the g-HO-st of Sailing Present. The.. "Was Happ'n Dude Thingys girl" " I'm to direct your attention to all the Awful stuff you do, NOW,... you dirty old man ! ",

"Do I have to? . I eschew the improbable and the inexplicable" He expostulated. (See, I told you he was erudite).

"Oh dude, you are so Not socially connected " She gurgled. With each word she wiggled a wiggle that looked a little like Yoga, and Pilates crossed with a touch of crotch itch.

As she moved toward Crewge, a miasma issued from her and left a trail like a forest slug. "This isn't going to be a good experience! " Crewge thought.

"Touch my gown and away we'll go.. Hey, hey, Watch those hands !!" she said. And with that, she and Old Crewge flew out of the hatch and into the night. (ok, ok, ... Morning... picky, picky ! ).

You know, there are a lot of places to go and things to do during the season. However, Crewge and Miss It's Happening Now, took a short trip to some of the places we've already been. I won't bore you with all the stories, but be sure that old Crewge saw lots of happy kindly, friendly people who were happily saying things like.. " I hate Crewge! " and " I hope the old SOB falls off the deck!" .. or.. "How did a nasty old jerk like Crewge, ever get to be a nasty old jerk like that ? " And many other Happy, kindly, friendly comments about him and his ways. Crewge was quite impressed with the consistency of those comments.

They did manage to drop by Crewge's old girl friend's house. Even though she was 85 years old now, she still looked 20. (I've seen the movie and never could figure that one out).. but, she was sweet and still had the hots for old Crewge (we have to imagine that or our story wouldn't be one that would be sad.) The lady ghost deciced to leave so you the reader couldn't ask too many questions.

Lady... g-HO-st ...of the Present, took Crewge to one final place in the tour. Oh , you Guessed it already ! How could he NOT go to the Rufus Nachblok's place?

There they were, still laughing and singing. Mom had set the pan of Lasagna on fire again. This time they were a lot poorer than the last time Crewge had visited. They were poorer than a Reinell sailboat owner. They're so poor that now they drank Coors Light. Which the cat had tried to bury several times, embarrassed by what it thought it had done. Did I mention , they were poor ? Teeny Tom had taken to spend all his time in a corner, counting the acne bumps on his face. Oh, he still would say funny things to the family. Here's his latest... " My Rode is a Saggin', but my Anchor ain't Draggin' " ( I know, it sounds familiar, but hey, he's their only son and he's got terminal acne. Give him a break !).

After hearing that, Ms. Today and Crewge had involuntary projectile discharges and decided it was time to get back home.

Do I really have to make Six "Ding" sounds to imitate the ship's clock, or can you accept the premise that the Third entity is about to join us ? No ? Ok, Then take a spoon and whack the side of an empty wine bottle six times and you'll get the same effect. Ready? Well, After the appropriate Ding dings, Crewge awoke to see a dark shape standing, no, Floating , Like some insane Octocopter, in the middle of the cabin. a Blob of what looked like a section of carbon fiber sail material. The black cloth draped over the shape and flowed down the figure like a funereal shroud. A tiller extension handle, appearing like a skeletal hand, pushed out of the folds and it was directed at Crewge! The pointed end of that boney stick aimed straight at Crewge's face.

"Are you the spirit of Things Yet to Come? " A shivering Crewge whispered.
"Will you show me what will become of me , If I don't change my ways ? He continued.
"Do you have the answers of how I can redeem myself? " He shouted.
"Will you direct me to the righteous path of enlightenment ? " He cried.
"Are you here to give me a second chance at the Good Life ? " He whimpered.
"Will you give me directions away from my cruel and evil ways ? " He questioned
"Are you pointing the way to my sure destruction if I continue being Nasty ? " He gargled.

There was a rustle of fabric as carbon fiber cloth slipped to the floor. A face full of Acne pimples appeared, Teeny Tom. Drunk, with singed hair.

Crewge ran to the hatch, flung it open and yelled out "What day is it?" It just so happened that the Old Wharfinger was passing by and yelled back. " You old fool ! It's Tuesday the First of the month and you owe the marina three months slip fees". Crewge quickly grabbed his billfold and pulled out enough bills to satisfy his debt. With tears in his eyes, he shouted to the Wharfinger. "Please, If you come and get the Crazy person out of my boat, I promise I'll never be Nasty again."

And true to his word, from that day forward, Crewge paid his bills on time, and always had nice things to say to people. He was as good a marina live aboard as the whole marina had ever seen.

And so.. as Teeny Tom says.....

"If your Anchor is a Snaggin', Then it sure ain't a Draggin' "

happy holidays
r. ahseln December 2014

Part 1